So, I've been busy busy. I have basically done the following:
Organized our junk drawer
Cleaned out our junk basket!
Cleaned off the top of the fridge (yep...if you are counting that is THREE junky areas we had)
Cleaned up my cooking book area (total mess with tons of random papers everywhere)
Created a new dining wall collage
Spray painted a bunch of goodies
Sewed a table runner for halloween
Eaten a TON of utah peaches
Prepared lesson for YW and taught it (it was on being in the world but not of the world- awesome topic)
Basically I think I've either been super driven or super trying to distract myself. I told Clay I was "nesting", getting ready for the winter. Pretty soon winter will come and I will love it for about two days and then I will have my little seasonal depression kick in. So anyway...I figured maybe my body is getting my brain ready for this winter season by making my house more enjoyable and happy?
Or I could just be distracting myself from the INTENSE baby hunger I've been having. I know, broken record over here. I just seriously...sometimes the ache and loneliness is a bit much. And I go through these phases of not understanding why I have to go through this and wait and wait and wait. And then I think, "What if we can't get pregnant when we are better?" cause you know, we DID try for a year before we got diagnosed and who knows. It could've been the Lyme, it could've been a miracle, it could've meant that we really can't get pregnant. I don't know. But then when I think of that, it makes me think okay...best case scenario we can start trying in a year? Then try for a year? Then start the adoption process and not get a baby for a year? Or longer? And I'm looking at 3 more years of waiting. Of course Clay tells me, "You need to have faith, it could come a lot faster than you think" but I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm sick of getting my hopes up. Did you know that a year ago, our doctor told us that probably in a year we could start trying? Then a couple months ago she said in a year we probably will be ready? It's not fun. So I guess maybe I'm just putting all the worst case scenarios out there so I wont be let down? But of course that just makes me depressed and angry and annoyed that I'm even in this situation. Now I want to clarify that I don't think adoption is a "worst case" type of thing. The only thing I mean by that is this...I WANT my babies. I want them now! I just hope I don't have to wait 3 more years to start getting them. I know this will sound cheesy, but I seriously feel like there's a part
of my heart that is empty...that needs to be filled...and I don't know. I
just feel like the more that time passes, the more I can feel it. I KNOW...it sounds cliche and cheesy and probably even stupid. But seriously, there is something hollow in my chest and when I really let myself feel these emotions...it hurts.
I DO know that this is all somehow part of the plan. I know that when I have a baby, it will all disappear and all the waiting will be worth it and it will all make sense. I know that. I know that the Lord is mindful and his timing is the right timing. I guess it's just hard to be happy with it. I have a lot of happy things in my life, I do! And all will be well. I know it. I am just going through one of those hurt phases right now I suppose.
Besides that life is good. We have a doc appt this week, so that's always good. I never TRULY know how Clay is doing until he's talking in the doctors office. So, we'll see. I'm feeling great.
Well, that's all for now. Tomorrow I'll post pics of my dining wall.
13 comments:
I love you and I know it must be the hardest thing to wait, and wait.... seems like only yesterday and you were a baby yourself. I know that they say all of these things about every thing in it's own time etc, however that doesn't make it any easier. So I wiil say a little prayer for you that it will be sooner than you expect. I have been kinda blue myself and hence no blogging and nothing else much. I need out of the dole drums and to feel happier. I do miss you and wish we were able to see you more. I hope Clay's business is going well. Love you
Ok, first of all-NOTHING you say is cliche or cheesy or annoying and who cares if it's broken record? It's not as broken record as you think. EVeryone hates waiting for kids and the majority don't have to wait as long as you. You've been waiting a long time and it isn't over. Of course it will hurt. I'm sorry. I know there's no way I could know about fertility problems, but I SINCERELY believe the Lord was protecting you. Babies are so PHYSICALLY exhausting, you would never get better with them. It would be impossible to care for them. I honestly have thought so many times, "I wish I had the lyme and not Scarlet" but as soon as I think that I have to take it back because how could I take care of her if I had lyme? Even more people would be suffering besides me. I think when you have your babies you'll be like, "Wo, I'm so glad they came now when I feel good and not when I was sick." Really, I think it will all make sense when they come. I know the Lord has his own time table, but I really think he sends babies at specific times. My first miscarriage was horrible, but if we had a baby and I had to be alone in a tiny studio apartment day after day, that would have been SOOOO hard. I would've gotten soooo depressed. I didn't think I'd be 28 when I had my first kid but it really all worked out for the best! I LOVE YOU!!!! Hang in there. Greg was really sad about Scarlet last night and I told it, "It's ok to be sad sometimes because it IS SAD. It doesn't mean you don't have faith. It just means it's hard." I LOVE YOU. Just keep doing things that make you happy and it will all come.
I just made a long comment, did it not make it here again? Did you get it?
Have you ever considered starting the adoption process now? Just because you can't 'carry' a baby for another year you could still 'care' for one. Give your body time to heal than try and get pregnant- all while still being a mom. I also believe everything happens for a reason and not getting pregnant before means nothing. I've been trying forever for #2 and so many people tell me stories of how with one kid they will try forever and the next would be an accident. But It's stressful... Hang in there.
I was actually thinking along the same lines as your friend Ainsley. I have two great friends that I've watched really yearn for children and they have been blessed beyond measure but much later than they expected and differently than they imagined. One friend had finally gotten their profile up for consideration to adopt and within about 2 months time they were chosen. That was absolutely amazing in itself but then 2 months after getting Mya, they found out they were pregnant. They now have two adorable kids. Another friend had started the adoption process in China 10 years ago! They kept at it. 3 years ago they had their twins and then this year finally were able to bring their little girl home from China who is 2 years old. Blessings for each of them have come in the most unexpected ways. The Lord knows you, he knows what you need and when. I know for me when I hear things like that, I still get frustrated because I want things to happen on my timing but unfortunately I have to remind myself things don't happen that way. You're doing all the right things. :)
I never think you are a broken record. I love your honesty and that you are willing to share your feelings. I bet it really helps others that read. I know it has helped me before. I hope you get to be a mom soon. Thinking of you.
Wow, that is really productive and makes me feel very... not productive. I don't remember what I was going to say. I'm doing this and watching Little House so I'm getting distracted, but I love you! :)
First your list is amazing. Second Megan was very insightful. I didn't thin about how hard it would be for you to have a baby with lyme until she said that. She is right it is very exhausting, and it would make you so sad if you couldn't take care of your babies the way you have dreamed of. Now as far as feeling sorry for yourself or sad, that is real life. We all feel that way even though we know we are blessed. None of us has a perfect life and we all feel sorry for ourselves. I think you do dang good for the situation you are in. I do believe you have a hollow spot in your heart. I feel that way sometimes because my kids are all grown and busy. I miss you guys terribly sometimes. We are eternal mothers so we always have that desire. I love you soooo much!
Well, I did not knwo about this blog! I'm so sorry I missed it and that it has taken a day or two to notice it! I am so sorry for your sad days. It is not cliche or dumb or stupid or cheesy to want to be a mom, and feel hollow that you can't be one for so many years. We were born to nurture, and you aren't getting to do that right now. Ofcourse there is a part of you missing. I have thought this whole time, but didn't want to say it- that it would be extremely hard to care for a baby with Lyme. I have thought MANY times that if I had Maddie back in the cancer days I would have had to have sent her away- seriously. Having a newborn is sooo physically and emotionally exhausting, it's a whole new kind of exhaustion I didn't know existed, and you can't take breaks from it, or time outs, you just have to keep going, and I wonder how you would be able to do it with Lyme. So, even though you want a baby so bad, maybe later when you guys are healthier you will look back and be grateful that your little one came when he or she does. I'm so sorry Danielle. I HATE that you are going through this, and every night in our family prayers we pray for 2 things-that you will be cured and that you will be able to have a baby soon. I hate that you are going through this and I wish there was something I could do to make it better. I'm so sorry Danielle. You are SUCH an amazing woman. You are so STRONG, so DISCIPLINED, so FAITHFUL. You really are the true meaning of perseverance.You are such an inspiration to all of us. I love you. And you can always talk about this- every day if you want to. You aren't a broken record.
*hugs* You're amazing Danielle! This too shall pass. I love you!
*hugs* You're amazing Danielle! This too shall pass. I love you!
The years that we wanted a baby and did not have one yet were SO hard. I truly know your pain and that feeling that you have every time you see babies in the store, at church, when your friends/family announce they're pregnant (that's the hardest because you are happy for them yet it's still a reminder of what you don't have). It sucks but I can assure you that it WILL make you a different kind of mother - one that savors every moment with your babies because you know what it's like not to have them. Hang in there!
I'm so sorry about the baby thing. I believe you when you say you feel something hollow. I'm sorry. You write it so well....honest.
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