So, I've been busy busy. I have basically done the following:
Organized our junk drawer
Cleaned out our junk basket!
Cleaned off the top of the fridge (yep...if you are counting that is THREE junky areas we had)
Cleaned up my cooking book area (total mess with tons of random papers everywhere)
Created a new dining wall collage
Spray painted a bunch of goodies
Sewed a table runner for halloween
Eaten a TON of utah peaches
Prepared lesson for YW and taught it (it was on being in the world but not of the world- awesome topic)
Basically I think I've either been super driven or super trying to distract myself. I told Clay I was "nesting", getting ready for the winter. Pretty soon winter will come and I will love it for about two days and then I will have my little seasonal depression kick in. So anyway...I figured maybe my body is getting my brain ready for this winter season by making my house more enjoyable and happy?
Or I could just be distracting myself from the INTENSE baby hunger I've been having. I know, broken record over here. I just seriously...sometimes the ache and loneliness is a bit much. And I go through these phases of not understanding why I have to go through this and wait and wait and wait. And then I think, "What if we can't get pregnant when we are better?" cause you know, we DID try for a year before we got diagnosed and who knows. It could've been the Lyme, it could've been a miracle, it could've meant that we really can't get pregnant. I don't know. But then when I think of that, it makes me think okay...best case scenario we can start trying in a year? Then try for a year? Then start the adoption process and not get a baby for a year? Or longer? And I'm looking at 3 more years of waiting. Of course Clay tells me, "You need to have faith, it could come a lot faster than you think" but I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm sick of getting my hopes up. Did you know that a year ago, our doctor told us that probably in a year we could start trying? Then a couple months ago she said in a year we probably will be ready? It's not fun. So I guess maybe I'm just putting all the worst case scenarios out there so I wont be let down? But of course that just makes me depressed and angry and annoyed that I'm even in this situation. Now I want to clarify that I don't think adoption is a "worst case" type of thing. The only thing I mean by that is this...I WANT my babies. I want them now! I just hope I don't have to wait 3 more years to start getting them. I know this will sound cheesy, but I seriously feel like there's a part
of my heart that is empty...that needs to be filled...and I don't know. I
just feel like the more that time passes, the more I can feel it. I KNOW...it sounds cliche and cheesy and probably even stupid. But seriously, there is something hollow in my chest and when I really let myself feel these emotions...it hurts.
I DO know that this is all somehow part of the plan. I know that when I have a baby, it will all disappear and all the waiting will be worth it and it will all make sense. I know that. I know that the Lord is mindful and his timing is the right timing. I guess it's just hard to be happy with it. I have a lot of happy things in my life, I do! And all will be well. I know it. I am just going through one of those hurt phases right now I suppose.
Besides that life is good. We have a doc appt this week, so that's always good. I never TRULY know how Clay is doing until he's talking in the doctors office. So, we'll see. I'm feeling great.
Well, that's all for now. Tomorrow I'll post pics of my dining wall.