Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Honestly, honest

Well, my life is wonderful. I have a home. I have food. I have a family. My life is sooo much more full than so many people on this earth.

But there's this looming rain cloud that doesn't seem to want to go away. It stays above my head and just pours down on me continually. Right when I think it's clearing up, it shows up...again.

I hate Lyme Disease so much. And yes, it's taught me so much. So much patience, understanding, compassion...it's given me strength, endurance, and many other things. But it's also torn me down, worn me down, and basically ripped me to pieces.

Sunday's are real hard. I look at the babies and they are the cutest thing I've ever seen. And then I find myself crying. Right there in the dang chapel. So I go to the bathroom and wipe my eyes. Come back out and force my emotions DOWN and away so that hopefully they don't rise to my eyes.

Then there's these wonderful people who are friends but not quite good friends yet that will ask me if we ever want to have children?

I have days where I think I have no symptoms and I think, oh dear, I am about done! And then suddenly my joints are stiff, my chest is heavy, and I think...really? Is this my life forever? Thinking I'm done and then Lyme creeping back into my life whenever it wants? Am I expecting too much? Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have had the life where people get married, go to school, graduate, have babies, and be so tired from a lack of sleep, and ache for time to yourself because all you do is nurse and change diapers and take care of this perfect being that was trusted to you? Why couldn't that be my life?

Of course I know that everyone has trials that I don't see. No one has it that simple, and even if some people's trials look more preferable than my own...I know that this was the trial that I was meant to have. There is something I am supposed to do with this trial, people I am supposed to help, growth that needs to happen. I suppose I am just always trying to figure out what that is.

I have strong times...where I just KNOW my purpose and I KNOW Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and is aware and there are even times where I am grateful! Seriously grateful for this opportunity to grow and serve in this life. But I also have hard times where I don't know anymore and I have to reach for that knowledge I once had...that this is all but a small moment. All will be well. I must trust the Lord's timing, and endure. I will be blessed for my efforts and my trusting in the Lord.

He is real, He knows, He cares. The truth is, I know I've helped people already. I remember my sweet niece who has Lyme, who probably would suffer much more than she has to if I hadn't experienced it myself. This knowledge alone makes it worth it for me to suffer a bit with this disease in order to help others suffer a little less hopefully.

This much I know. When I am feeling lost, confused, alone, and like nobody in the entire world could possibly understand how I'm feeling...there is at least one who knows. My Savior knows. He suffered for me. He knows. And when I most need it, He is there, comforting and calming, and I know all will be well. He has taught me that this life is not all. In fact it's just barely starting, this life I am living. This life on earth is hard and a lot have it so much harder than me. It's such a comfort to know that there is so much more to look forward to after this life and it will all be worth it.

And I am so grateful to have an outlet to express myself, and hopefully, just maybe, this will comfort someone in need today. Because just talking this out made my chest feel a little lighter, and my head a little clearer.

Life is good. Life is hard. And the thing that is hard to remember, but is important, is that both can be true at the same time. Life is hard, AND life is good. I can have a bad day, but that doesn't mean my life is horrible or bad. And the truth is, this rain cloud I'm talking about...does go away. I have sunny days. I have sunny weeks even. And I need to remember that.

Life is hard. Life is good.


Cami said...

I think everyone should be allowed to say exactly what they are feeling. I think, in your case, it goes without saying that you have a strong testimony but sometimes, life's just hard.

(Um, I heard once that we chose our trials in Heaven? You must be a MUCH stronger person than me to choose this...)

Megan and Greg said...

I'm sorry Dan. I love you. You've helped me. I feel forever in your debt and I honestly don't think that will ever change! I can't even imagine how it feels. Just last night Scarlet had a horrible night and was crying in her crib saying owie, but I couldn't hold her because Brighton was crying too and the whole thing was just horrible so I sang to her, all of us crying in her room together. I felt really broken and have REALLY been an emotional basket case the last 24 hrs. But I'm not the one actually FEELING physical pain. So it's like, how can I complain? It's just hard on everyone. I love you. You are really strong and have a lot of faith and I can't believe you're my LITTLE sister because you are such an incredible example to me! Shouldn't it be the other way around??? I'm grateful you're my sister and I love you. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish no one did. And the truth is, just because we all have trials, it doesn't mean they're all equal. I think we all struggle, but it doesn't mean it's the same. I could be wrong. The truth is, we are judged with what we're given. If we don't have a lot of trials, but keep our blessed lives to ourselves, we'll be judged with how we handled that, just like handling our trials. Meaning, it's ok to acknowlege that you have a hard life. And nobody is perfect, which means we all have breakdowns sometimes and that is ok. It's just important to keep on going and try the best you can. The Savior will make up the rest- ask you already know ! I love you!!!! Feel better! You can whine to me anytime. We can cry together!

Megan and Greg said...

Oh yeah, I can't believe people ask you about babies! You look so young. Greg and I were literally never asked ONCE and I was 28 when I had Scarlet. How did we get away with it? I'll never know. I'm sorry.

Aliese the Writer said...

Oh Danielle, that was beautiful. Very inspiring, as usual. But I am so sorry that you have such hard days. I feel you. I really do. I remember during the divorce and times since then asking 'why me?' And I am so glad that you have told yourself 'because this is the trial I need. Heavenly Father planned this for me. This will make me stronger.' Because it is so true. During the divorce I thought it was the worst thing ever, that this was not the best thing for us and that the perfect solution would be for it to not happen. But the life I have now would be nothing like it would be if it didn't happen. I have done things and met people that I would not trade for the world now, but I didn't know about all the good stuff then. I remember wanting someone to just say to me, 'Don't worry. Everything will be alright.' And even though someone probably did say that it felt like people gave more long talks and speeches instead of a simple and reassuring statement. So, someone has probably already said this to you, but just in case...everything will be alright. This will not last forever. It will be so much better in the end. There was a quote from Avonlea that Gus said his mother said. It was something like, 'At first a burden may weigh you down, but sooner or later, it'll make you stronger.' I love you so much, Danielle and I wish I could see you more often! You are so amazing. Don't let anyone ever tell you different or make you doubt that. You never cease to amaze me. I love you. :)

Kayleen said...

:( take your time to feel sad. your desires are righteous ones and I really think that having to wait may be helping you to be a better mother. I'm sorry for your pain. You're a great person and I admire your courage and honesty. I hope the rain cloud doesn't loom around much longer.

Sharon/Mom/ Grandma said...

Wow! What a beautiful blog, and what mature and thoughtful comments. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your thoughts, which were so eloquent. It always helps everyone when we show our humanness. love and miss you!

Amy said...

I remember that feeling at church all to well. I know it's hard to hear this from people who have kids now but I've been there. I obviously don't know what it's like to have Lyme but I do know the feeling of wanting a baby and not getting it for years. If you ever want to talk email me. :) Love ya!

Steve/Dad/Grandpa said...

I love you Danielle and Clay.

Jenni said...

As I read this, I just kept thinking...doesn't she know how uplifting she is? I hope you know. You uplift me every time you post. Because even when it's not a sunny day in your life, you always rely on Heavenly Father. And honestly Danielle, when I'm having bad days, I remember your words and your faith. You are uplifting.

You are born to be a mother and you will be such a strong, courageous, wonderful mother. I can't wait for that day to come for you.

Love you and thinking of you always.