Well, my life is wonderful. I have a home. I have food. I have a family. My life is sooo much more full than so many people on this earth.
But there's this looming rain cloud that doesn't seem to want to go away. It stays above my head and just pours down on me continually. Right when I think it's clearing up, it shows up...again.
I hate Lyme Disease so much. And yes, it's taught me so much. So much patience, understanding, compassion...it's given me strength, endurance, and many other things. But it's also torn me down, worn me down, and basically ripped me to pieces.
Sunday's are real hard. I look at the babies and they are the cutest thing I've ever seen. And then I find myself crying. Right there in the dang chapel. So I go to the bathroom and wipe my eyes. Come back out and force my emotions DOWN and away so that hopefully they don't rise to my eyes.
I have days where I think I have no symptoms and I think, oh dear, I am about done! And then suddenly my joints are stiff, my chest is heavy, and I think...really? Is this my life forever? Thinking I'm done and then Lyme creeping back into my life whenever it wants? Am I expecting too much? Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have had the life where people get married, go to school, graduate, have babies, and be so tired from a lack of sleep, and ache for time to yourself because all you do is nurse and change diapers and take care of this perfect being that was trusted to you? Why couldn't that be my life?
Of course I know that everyone has trials that I don't see. No one has it that simple, and even if some people's trials look more preferable than my own...I know that this was the trial that I was meant to have. There is something I am supposed to do with this trial, people I am supposed to help, growth that needs to happen. I suppose I am just always trying to figure out what that is.
I have strong times...where I just KNOW my purpose and I KNOW Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and is aware and there are even times where I am grateful! Seriously grateful for this opportunity to grow and serve in this life. But I also have hard times where I don't know anymore and I have to reach for that knowledge I once had...that this is all but a small moment. All will be well. I must trust the Lord's timing, and endure. I will be blessed for my efforts and my trusting in the Lord.
He is real, He knows, He cares. The truth is, I know I've helped people already. I remember my sweet niece who has Lyme, who probably would suffer much more than she has to if I hadn't experienced it myself. This knowledge alone makes it worth it for me to suffer a bit with this disease in order to help others suffer a little less hopefully.
This much I know. When I am feeling lost, confused, alone, and like nobody in the entire world could possibly understand how I'm feeling...there is at least one who knows. My Savior knows. He suffered for me. He knows. And when I most need it, He is there, comforting and calming, and I know all will be well. He has taught me that this life is not all. In fact it's just barely starting, this life I am living. This life on earth is hard and a lot have it so much harder than me. It's such a comfort to know that there is so much more to look forward to after this life and it will all be worth it.
And I am so grateful to have an outlet to express myself, and hopefully, just maybe, this will comfort someone in need today. Because just talking this out made my chest feel a little lighter, and my head a little clearer.
Life is good. Life is hard. And the thing that is hard to remember, but is important, is that both can be true at the same time. Life is hard, AND life is good. I can have a bad day, but that doesn't mean my life is horrible or bad. And the truth is, this rain cloud I'm talking about...does go away. I have sunny days. I have sunny weeks even. And I need to remember that.
Life is hard. Life is good.