Sunday, May 29, 2011

Life Thoughts...

Today at church I was sitting on the same row of perhaps the most darling family in our ward. There are 6 kids...ranging from 0 years old to 12 years old. Dad is Bishop, the kids are all sooo reverent and sweet. The little boy that was closest to me, he's about 6...he kept glancing over at me and smiling:) The mom's brothers and dad were visiting today and she kept looking back at them and smiling, and she was so happy. I could tell. And I seriously almost started bawling! I missed my family so much. We have 6 kids in our family...with a 12 year range. And we love eachother so much. And all I could do as I was sitting by myself a few feet away from this family was tell myself, "Thank goodness I am seeing them in 5 days." If I weren't, I probably would've started bawling! I dunno...maybe it's because I know I'm seeing them so soon I'm taking my guard down as far as missing them goes...who knows. I just am so freaking excited for Thursday, when I get to fly to Sandiego, have my pretty pregnant sister Amy pick me up from the airport, and see my brother and all my sisters the next day. And my parents! YAY!!!!!

Back to the family I was sitting next to. All I could think throughout sacrament was, "You are so lucky". I would just watch the mother and I know she struggles. I mean...she has 2 kids under the age of 2...and 4 other kids...and her husband is bishop...and really I am sure she has a hard time sometimes...but I couldn't stop thinking how lucky she was.

I have Lyme Disease. And I am constantly having to convince myself to accept it. I don't know why the acceptance doesn't stick. I get waves...where I'm great and have a mindset like, "Oh I'm going to become a CPA and life will be great and I will just focus on that and I can sew and blog and decorate and do whatever I want." And that can stick for a bit. But then I realize what I actually want...and then the wave changes...into a wave of self-pity. I feel so sorry for myself. I get that womanly ache for motherhood. And then I get into this warrior stage...where I'm like- I AM GOING TO KICK THE CRAP OUT OF THIS LYME DISEASE! I will do everything right! I will never eat sugar/gluten EVER AGAIN! I will be PERFECT at this treatment, and I will get better so quick! And you'd think that'd be easy...but then all of a sudden I go into self-pity mode again where I'm like..."I'm depressed, I deserve a cookie." Even though that completely contradicts everything. And then I go back into acceptance. And it all starts over again. But, the fight continues on and I WILL continue fighting. I AM a Lyme Warrior. That never changes. It's just my level of vigor I suppose.

Today I cut my finger with scissors. Seriously...I don't know how it happened...but I was cutting a package of pecans open and all of a sudden I was cutting my finger. It hurt. And it still hurts! I seriously think I'm getting clumsier or whatever by the day. In the past 3 months I think I've gotten 3 permanent scars. Most of them from burning. And they are all different kinds. Iron, hot almond roca, I have a scar on my LEG from getting a pan out of the oven. I still try and remember how it happened...but I can't really remember. I just know it happened. And of course I am always running into things. THAT specifically is part of my Arnold nature :)

I have to tell you that sunbeams...are basically little devils. I'm sorry. It's just true. We finally decided it's time to talk to each of the parents seriously. The sad thing is, I know it wont make a difference. I've seen all of them with their parents. ALL of them get away with murder with their parents. So how are we expected to be able to get them to behave? I'm not joking- most of the sunbeams in our class, I have seen them with their parents...and their parents let them do whatever they want. And they don't discipline. I hope so badly I have fresh in my mind this class when I'm raising my children. I do NOT want them to give their primary teachers hell. It's basically torture. I have a teaching partner, and she has been teaching sunbeams for years. She said that she has had 4 teachers ask to be released, and that 2 of them were mothers of one of the children in the class! She is a saint.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. I'm pretty happy because that means no work. But, it also means lots of studying. Boo.

I'm very grateful I live in this country. Even though the leaders anger me sometimes, and even though there's a lot of wrong...I still feel it's the most right. I love the USA. I'm so happy I'm American. There are still a LOT of good people in this country.

Well, I guess that's all for today. In case you were wondering, Idaho is stickin pretty much in the 38-58 degree range these days. SoCal HERE I COME! Yessssssssssssss!!!



You are such a good writer, and I enjoyed your blog so much. I am so sorry that you have to go through this awful Lyme Disease. I really wish that you could just get chemo! I'm so sorry your trial has to last SO long. And I'm sorry your attitude can't just be the same all the time, and that it's constantly changing. When you have a disease, a serious one, there are constant phases, even after the hard part. I was just talking a little about that in my talk today, that even though I'm done with chemo, my cancer isn't over, and it's still something I have to deal with and think about. I too go through my phases of thinking. Sometimes I want to be incredibly healthy, sometimes I want to live my life to teh fullest and enroll in dance classes and scuba diving lessons and everything there is to learn just incase I get cancer again.THen there's times where I Think- oh screw it- if I get cancer I get cancer, it's meant to be" - like with laying out in teh sun? Do I lay out or not? I don't want to get skin cancer! THere are many phases. I just wish you didn't have to go through it. I am SO FREAKING excited to see you!!!!! I'm going to see you in 4 days!!!!!!!!! And I'm so excited that I'M the one that's going to be picking you up, and that you can come to my apartment and give me opinions on things. I'm just so excited to see you more than anything and just hang out. It is going to be so fun. I have also been missing everyone, and I've also wondered "is it because I know I'm going to see them?" Last week I felt sorry for myself and was like "I miss my family" to mike. But it's even harder for you because you don't have ANYONE on our side. I REALLY REALLY want you to move to San Diego. I know you can't now, but I reall yhope you try to move to CA when this Lyme disease is under control. And I would demand that you move in our neighborhood. Your sunbeams- haha- oh my gosh- sounds awful. I got my calling today, and I'm so relieved it wasn't primary, I REALLY didn't want to go to primary. I really shouldn't have said that because now it will prob be my next calling :) I'm sorry about your finger, but when you said the oven burnt your leg- I bust out laughing because- how the heck did the oven burn your leg?! It seems like a hard thing to do, only an arnold. haha. love you!


oh and I love that pic of you- so pretty.

Megan and Greg said...

Yikes, that is coooooold. I love you Dan. I think your thoughts are normal and ok. I didn't know you were such a clutz. Just one week ago I was roasting a chicken in a big pot in the oven and I kept lifting the lid off with my BARE HAND!!!! I burned myself 5 times!!! I felt like such a dummy. I had a blister on 4 FINGERS! YIKES!!!

Gillian said...

I'm so sorry that you're going though this hard time. One day you will look back on it and realize that it was all in God's plan. I've been married for 4 years and we were trying for a baby the whole time. We went from medication to medication, but finally realized that while we'd never give up the hope and plan to have a baby (or 4!), that we had to be positive and just live our life! We went on trips, and ate some sugar (my infertility is hormonal and there's some research that shows a relation to glucose levels). In the meantime, my 2 sisters-in-law that were NOT planing on having babies right away had 2 kids each. It was a difficult 4 years, but looking back I'm glad that we continued doing what we love, traveling, camping and having fun. I always though I'd have babies when I was in my 20s, heck I wanted one when I was 11! I'm 31 now and after a few miscarriages, I'm amazed to say that I'm 16 weeks pregnant with twins! I'm so happy that my husband and I got to spend these years going though trials and really getting to know each other. We went places and did things that we probably won't be doing again until our kids are teens! Although I'm still scared, and haven't quite told the world our news yet, I'm SO grateful. So grateful for the fun we had, the trips we took, the positive attitude that said, " One day, this will all work out." It is difficult for me to say this, but as horrifying as it would be, if these twins don't make it, I will know that God has a different plan for us. The blessings of adoption or just the chance to share our story with others that are aching for a baby. Your life will be just as it's meant to be, so keep on smiling, and live a little (or study in your case!) :)
I'll be praying for you that all your dreams come true in the proper timing. It's HARD, but remember, stay positive and KNOW that you will be glad for these hard times one day!
P.S. Have a GREAT time visiting your family!

Kayleen said...

I think you're wonderful. truly.

Sharon/Mom/ Grandma said...

First that is a great pic. Second, why are you losing your hair? You never mentioned that to me! Are you getting enough oil? Part of being too thin is losing your hair, especially if you do it fast. Really try to get more fat in your diet, more nuts and nut butters. Did she have suggestions for your circulation? I am glad you are a Lyme warrior. And no one can be perfect all the time. Thank goodness life is truly about a certain amount of flexibility. The Lord will bless you for teaching that class, it was the best experience for my future. For me it was teaching, for you maybe it will be disciplining your children. I'm glad you visualize your life whole and complete, the Lord created the earth spiritually first, and if we are to become like Him we need to visualize our life as we want it also. You will never take your health for granted when you get it back. The blessings will be amazing when you are done with this. When we look back at life can see all the blessings and reasons for the trials and decisions we make when we obey the Lord. I am so sad about your finger, I know it has been a while since you did that, but I know how it feels. I love and miss you!!!