Friday, December 21, 2012

Merry Christmas

First off, wow. I am so happy right now! Even though I have slight menstrual cramps (sorry, tmi?), have ALREADY eaten too much candy and feel a bit sick to the stomach, and I look really special (morning bangs aren't the best look on me)...I am really happy because I don't have to work until next Thursday! Halleluiah! Then I'll have the weekend off with my sister and her family. And oh...lets not forget CHRISTMAS is right around the corner!

We have barely any presents under our tree, and even less for ourselves! It's okay...most of them are at Patty and Paul's house.

So I have been thinking a lot lately and figured I'd share with you. I've had a lot of random opportunities to question in my head...Do I really believe in Jesus? This might come as a shock to probably everyone, but I really have had these thoughts in my head a lot the past couple years but especially probably this last 6 months. I don't think it's me questioning my faith, or having doubts. It's me renewing my faith in myself, and making sure I'm where I need to be.

With Lyme Disease constantly giving me trouble emotionally and physically, I ask I really believe in this stuff? Is this really just a temporary state? Do I really believe in Jesus? Can he really comfort me in these times? And if I'm truly looking and seeking that affirmation, I receive it. Sometimes with the most gentle of affirmations...that yes, He is here with me and I DO believe in Him. Sometimes it is really hard to feel him around and it is really hard to remember. Sometimes I feel VERY alone. But then I look at the small touches of His hand and the many many small miracles in Clay's and my life. And I remember, Yes, Danielle, He is here and He has a plan.

Then times like last week...when things are so horrifying and hard for me to understand. I I believe in Jesus? Is he real? And I'm not going to lie...sometimes Satan can get a good hold on me and make me wonder for a bit. But I really do always come back to it. Yes, He IS real. He loves all of us. And there are some moments that really grab me when a thought suddenly enters my mind and I realize, wait a second. He loves him too. In fact, he chose Jesus before we came here. All of us did. And it all comes full circle for me.

I realize that we all come to earth because we all chose Jesus. We are all completely innocent and wonderful when we enter this earth and then we are shot with tons of trials and tests. God gave us choices, agency, the ability to make our own minds up. So it's our choice to decide what we do with these trials. I can live my life hating those who make horrible and evil decisions...and then my life will be that much less. I will have that much less light. Or I could choose to forgive and love and make myself better after seeing evil bad choice, and have that much more light! I decided that I choose LIGHT. Love. Happiness.

Over and over the thought keeps coming in my mind lately, "Contention is of the devil". I've thought that in so many situations lately. I feel like sometimes in today's world things can be really confusing and look right, sound right, but doesn't quite feel right. And I kinda feel like that phrase helps me solve a lot of those confusing situations. Contention doesn't just happen between people, it can happen right inside my soul. So if something makes me feel contention within must not be right.

All I know is...Christ is King. There are a lot of great people to look up to in this world but the ultimate example will always be the Savior. Thank heavens I have this knowlege! Thank heavens I know of Christ! I know He has saved me and helped me through tough times and I know he will continue to my whole life. I'm so grateful.

I don't KNOW with a surety that all I believe and feel is true...there's no way to know until I meet my Savior again. But I sure continue to have hope and faith, and those two things help me continue to go on in this crazy world. I have hope and I have faith that this world is surely NOT the end. And one thing I DO the more I try to be like the Savior, the more I am happy. So...even though I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect at this...I keep trying. Like President Monson said, "Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'". One of my favorite quotes. Cause it's so dang applicable to me.

I will keep trying. Love you all and Merry Christmas!



love you danyelli.

Megan and Greg said...

Oh Danielle. I didn't know you were struggling with any thoughts. I wish I would have known. You had some really nice thoughts in your post. I've only REALLY wondered once, for around a day, and I felt SO DARK inside and felt immediate light once I realized I DID still believe. And in the past I remember thinking, "even if it wasn't true, I'd keep living it 'cause it makes me happy" but there ya go, there's the answer. It wouldn't make us happy if it wasn't all true. I love you. Merry Christmas. There are a lot of bad things, but there are good things too. They just aren't on the news as much, or ever. But for all the evil in the world, there is just as much good and righteousness. I'm sorry for your struggles. You and Clay really have been dealt a nasty hand. But I truly believe all will be made up for it and you will be truly blessed for your trials. I love you!

Grandma, Nonnie said...

I love you so much, and I remember a small 3 year old who wanted a picture of Jesus for her bedroom wall a long time ago. We went to the bookstore and found one for you and you hugged it and said " It has been a long time since I have seen Him". So I know that out of the mouth of babes come sometimes words of wisdom. When and if I ever doubt I think of that day and remember Jesus is always there we just need to seek Him and he will answer. Sometimes it is difficult to understand as he never interferes in the agency of man so bad things sometimes happen to good people. I know it is hard to be sick and for it to last so very long, and all you really remember is when you were sick, it is the hardest. That's when we need to tell Him we can't carry the burden alone anymore. He will pick it up for you if you ask. I love you so very much and I know He loves you Hang in there. Hugs and Kisses

Rebecca said...

Beautiful Danielle. I love you. THank you so much.

Sharon/Mom/ Grandma said...

I was 30 before I really truly had my first experience knowing Jesus existed and was my Savior. I think Satan of course doesn't want us to know that so he is always putting it into our head that Jesus isn't real and our Savior. The strange part is I don't think I have ever questioned if Heavenly Father is there. I have learned over the years through the scriptures that it is very important and absolutely neccesary to come to know that Jesus is the Christ and our Savior. So Satan is going to work on us as much as he can! The times I know it the most is when I am bearing my testimony, which is why I think I love bearing my testimon so much. The Holy Ghost has to come and bear witness that what I am saying is true, so if I wonder, that is a sure way too know for a certainty! I love you soooo much and am grateful you shared this. I think people need to know others have doubts sometimes too. I love your picture you shared.

Jenni said...

Beautiful post, Danielle. Thank you. I really feel like I can relate. I'm sure everyone can. But, I've had some experiences where I've prayed just to feel Christ's peace and I am positive that I've felt it. Most recently last week after that sad sad news. I think we're all working on our faith at all times and this is a great reminder.

One thing is for sure, you are exactly right- trying to be like Jesus will only make us better and happier. Love that President Monson quote.

Love you!