Friday, December 21, 2012
First off, wow. I am so happy right now! Even though I have slight menstrual cramps (sorry, tmi?), have ALREADY eaten too much candy and feel a bit sick to the stomach, and I look really special (morning bangs aren't the best look on me)...I am really happy because I don't have to work until next Thursday! Halleluiah! Then I'll have the weekend off with my sister and her family. And oh...lets not forget CHRISTMAS is right around the corner!
We have barely any presents under our tree, and even less for ourselves! It's okay...most of them are at Patty and Paul's house.
So I have been thinking a lot lately and figured I'd share with you. I've had a lot of random opportunities to question in my head...Do I really believe in Jesus? This might come as a shock to probably everyone, but I really have had these thoughts in my head a lot the past couple years but especially probably this last 6 months. I don't think it's me questioning my faith, or having doubts. It's me renewing my faith in myself, and making sure I'm where I need to be.
With Lyme Disease constantly giving me trouble emotionally and physically, I ask myself...do I really believe in this stuff? Is this really just a temporary state? Do I really believe in Jesus? Can he really comfort me in these times? And if I'm truly looking and seeking that affirmation, I receive it. Sometimes with the most gentle of affirmations...that yes, He is here with me and I DO believe in Him. Sometimes it is really hard to feel him around and it is really hard to remember. Sometimes I feel VERY alone. But then I look at the small touches of His hand and the many many small miracles in Clay's and my life. And I remember, Yes, Danielle, He is here and He has a plan.
Then times like last week...when things are so horrifying and hard for me to understand. I think...do I believe in Jesus? Is he real? And I'm not going to lie...sometimes Satan can get a good hold on me and make me wonder for a bit. But I really do always come back to it. Yes, He IS real. He loves all of us. And there are some moments that really grab me when a thought suddenly enters my mind and I realize, wait a second. He loves him too. In fact, he chose Jesus before we came here. All of us did. And it all comes full circle for me.
I realize that we all come to earth because we all chose Jesus. We are all completely innocent and wonderful when we enter this earth and then we are shot with tons of trials and tests. God gave us choices, agency, the ability to make our own minds up. So it's our choice to decide what we do with these trials. I can live my life hating those who make horrible and evil decisions...and then my life will be that much less. I will have that much less light. Or I could choose to forgive and love and make myself better after seeing evil bad choice, and have that much more light! I decided that I choose LIGHT. Love. Happiness.
Over and over the thought keeps coming in my mind lately, "Contention is of the devil". I've thought that in so many situations lately. I feel like sometimes in today's world things can be really confusing and look right, sound right, but doesn't quite feel right. And I kinda feel like that phrase helps me solve a lot of those confusing situations. Contention doesn't just happen between people, it can happen right inside my soul. So if something makes me feel contention within myself...it must not be right.
All I know is...Christ is King. There are a lot of great people to look up to in this world but the ultimate example will always be the Savior. Thank heavens I have this knowlege! Thank heavens I know of Christ! I know He has saved me and helped me through tough times and I know he will continue to my whole life. I'm so grateful.
I don't KNOW with a surety that all I believe and feel is true...there's no way to know until I meet my Savior again. But I sure continue to have hope and faith, and those two things help me continue to go on in this crazy world. I have hope and I have faith that this world is surely NOT the end. And one thing I DO know...is the more I try to be like the Savior, the more I am happy. So...even though I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect at this...I keep trying. Like President Monson said, "Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'". One of my favorite quotes. Cause it's so dang applicable to me.
I will keep trying. Love you all and Merry Christmas!