Thursday, January 12, 2012

So far...

I've had some major meltdowns.

Major cry sessions.

A dirty kitchen.

REALLY dirty bathroom.

A whole lot of, 'tomorrow will be better' thoughts.

Completed homework.

Successful zumba session tonight with no extra bumpy things growing on my face.

Successful gluten/sugar free chocolate cookie.

Major breakthrough when I realized that for sure, I basically could omit or reduce a lot of the salt in recipes when I use coconut sugar cause everything I use coconut sugar in tastes really salty.

I'm ready for the weekend...

Did you know we had to find new insurance? I tell you. I hate dealing with insurance and meds and everything. I just can't wait for the day when I DON'T have to worry about these things. Walgreens doesn't fill for blue cross. What? That's only of the top two insurances in the world I think. Transfer...blah blah blah.

Sometimes...I look at blogs and I just feel so crappy about myself. I feel like I just need to be better at everything and like...what's wrong with me?!?! Then at church when everyone looks perfect and acts perfect and everyone is best friends...I feel like...what's wrong with me?!! Everyone has perfect pictures and perfect friends and perfect husbands and perfect houses and everything. I go to tell Clay all this and he basically says..."I think that you are just a woman. I don't understand why you all worry about these things." Seriously...I think that's the truth. Why must we worry and bring ourselves down SO MUCH?! Why do I give myself such a hard time? Why can't I choose to be happy? The fact is...I can. I can choose to love ME, and be ME and see that just cause someone can take a really pretty picture of something and describe it or their life in a really pretty way, doesn't make my life any less. It doesn't discount my successes, my goals, my things. Isn't it crazy how quickly we can go from a high to a low? That's something else Clay said, "I don't have these emotional highs and lows like you...alllll the tiiime." Seriously like...last week or something? I was talking about how my attitude was great! Well, it went down in a hurry. But I'm ready for it to go back up.

Good news. My bumpy thing did in fact, go away. I did have a kinda puffy eye the next day.

In other news...I am obsessed with the show Revenge. It's basically exactly like it says. A girl is getting revenge on everyone who betrayed her father which then KILLED him. It's so crazy and kinda horrible cause like...obviously its about revenge, not forgiveness...but I just love it. And I'm okay with that. 

Lastly, Ben the bachelor is kinda boring. Which annoys me.

Alright. Till next time!


Sharon/Mom/ Grandma said...

Oh Daneilly, I wish I could take away all the bad stuff, but then you wouldn't be the amazing woman you are. That bad stuff makes us compassionate and closer to the Lord. Having said that, You are one of those women you described. We all have our Sunday Face, our perfect house face, perfect clothes face, etc. Your blog looks perfect too. So you are right it's all about attitude and staying close to the spirit. I think we all get insecure about different things at different times. Thankfully we have other times where we realize that we are wonderful in the sight of our Heavenly Father, that he is well pleased and loves us soooooo much. I don't think he is nearly as judgmental as we are, he knows our heart and how hard we try. The first pres message this month came at the right time for me. I was listening to Satan and feeling pretty bad about me, the last two days I started to finally shake it off with the help of that article, scriptures and the tender mercies of the Lord. You are an amazing woman that is just tired, and not feeling your best physically. When we get that way we start to pick on ourselves. I love you so much and think you are pretty close to perfect. Maybe I'm just a mom, but maybe I'm right. :-) love you lots!

Kristi M. said...

We have Blue Cross too and received a letter about a month or so ago stating that Walgreen's is no longer supported. I was SO bummed because they are just down the road and that is all we've ever used. Thankfully we don't have recurring meds. Just the ones when I have a baby, or my kid gets pink eye. Stuff like that. Such a pain though.

Grandma, Nonnie said...

I HATE insurance companies, and all drug companies that charge so much for all of the drugs that they invent and then charge us so much because they need to get the money back. Plus I take so much medication that is at the top of the line and every year I end up in the gap for Medicare part D the Rx for us mature ones. It is the bane of my life. Life is hard for us sometimes when we are sick and we can't see the light at the end of the long tunnel. I got so sick of myself when I had the achellis tendon surgery and I thought I'd never get well again. I had a lot of negetive thoughts and it is just Satan talking to us Danielle really do you think Heavenly Father would give us these thoughts about a perfect daughter that He created. He loves us and every negitive thought we have comes from satan and no one else. When we get really tired and sick, he comes and sits on our shoulder and gives us all of these worries. In reality, your dishes and bathroom will get clean again, and we all have messy houses sometimes and I for one don't like cleaning anymore I have other things I would rather do. So my housework waits sometimes, and I don't care, because I got to do what really mattered to me at the time. Just remember that all of us look our best on Sundays and so do you, don't you think others look at you and say how beautiful you look, and envy your degree and all of the other things you do. I love you so much and you are an amazing young woman, and have accomplished a lot in your short life, and been through a lot of trials also, which has only made you a much better woman. Hang in there as your Grannie Biggs used to say to me every old dark cloud has a silver lining, you just have to find your rainbow colored glasses to see it. I love you so much hugs and kisses

Amy said...

I feel ya. I just have to remind myself that most people only put the good stuff on their blog so it's not really how day to day life is. Sorry about the insurance stuff. I hate insurance. Mostly because I don't have any right now. Things will get better, you are an amazing person- don't forget that.

Kayleen said...

:( I hate that feeling when you feel worthless and like you contribute nothing to anyone or anything. Truth is... I look at you and often wish I could be as great as you are! We are just all too hard on ourselves. you're wonderful.

by theway.... james and i love revenge too! what would we do without evening tv?

Megan and Greg said...

Oh my gosh! Ben is being so STUPID and picking all the hoey girls!!! What's up with that?! Such a disappointment. Glad your bump didn't happen.

You and Lizzie and all these girls are so crazy! Why do blogs make you feel so bad? Does MY blog portray perfection? I don't have those glamourous pics. The only pics that are "great" are of my cute scarlet. People aren't perfect! I look at your blog and think you LOOK perfect. Like your house looks amazing and I'm so jealous of your eclectic and trendy decor. That's what I want and don't feel I have. But I mean, you have school, and work full time and have a full time disease. The fact that you don't give up and waste your life in front of the tv amazes me. I don't know why you feel you're not good enough! I mean, seriously! It's like you're using the energy to take care of 10 invisible kids. They're just all wreaking havock on your body and no one can see it. But it's happening. HONESTLY, when I look at people that look "perfect", I think it's a big bunch of FAKE and that if THAT part of their life really IS PERFECT, then the rest isn't. Like if you always look nice and your house too, and work to top it off, you're not spending any time with your kids or spouse or things that really matter in life. It's a really judgemental thought but I totally judge people that have all the things that don't matter at all, lined up in a row. It's people that look a mess that are taking care of everything else in this life that matters. If you're taking care of your body, or your kids, or your calling or your job or WHATEVER, these things aren't displayed by beautiful objects! They're never going to show up on a blog for people to be jealous of! I could be wrong, but that's honestly what I think of the "perfect people" and i wish everyone would stop being so jealous of something that doesn't even exist! Well, that was a rant. My point is, you're not doing great- you're doing incredible. Way better than I would be in your position.

The high the low thing. Oh man, story of my life. I hate it too. I think that part is just being a woman, or an Arnold. I don't know which. But I've got it too. Feel better. You'll feel better soon. Love yoU!

Jenni said...

First of all, I love REVENGE! We watch it every week. She is hardcore man! And I also tuned in for the bachelor this week, and I agree, the bachelor did not rock my world. He's not even cute. Lame.

I'm 100% positive you're not the only one who feels that way when you look at blogs and see people at church. Reason #1 I have to move away from Utah, i can't take the pressure! But seriously- we're all just doing our best to enjoy life and I think you do a really good job. I look at your blog and totally envy your talents! :) In a good way hahaha. Love you!

Aliese the Writer said...

I'm sorry Danielle. You are not alone when you feel like everyone else is better than you. I sometimes feel like I need to do better with everything! And just feel like I can't do anything as good as everyone else. We had a YW lesson once about comparing ourselves and they said we tend to compare someones best attribute to our worst. It makes sense. We just need to be positive. You are amazing Danielle. I truly admire you. You are definitely one of my role models.:) Love you!

HeidiT said...

Ugh, I HATE dealing with insurance. It's the only thing that has made me feel like my daughter isn't "normal." What gives them the right to put restrictions/labels on certain things?! I totally feel your pain with dealing with it, especially when you have constant medical needs.

Lizzie said...

btw, i read all of your blog posts, within hours of your post....i just haven't been commenting. i still love your blog.

thanks for blogging. it makes me happier every time i read it (not this specific made me sad for you, but you know what i mean. i love seeing your life.)