So, I could totally upload a bunch of pictures of stuff I got...stuff I've been up to...but my back hurts and I'm just too lazy. Yeah, it doesn't take back work to put pictures on...but when my back hurts I am pitiful and just don't really want to do ANYTHING. But I can definitely talk about my birthday.
First, I got a gift card to JoAnns from my parents, which is awesome! I already spent $35 bucks tonight...but I'm gonna take back something cause I realized it just isn't quite right. Then Clay's parents got me an air compressor. Now before you go judging them for getting me a weird gift- I totally ASKED for that. The staple gun I use hooks up to an air tank...and before, I just used Patty & Paul's air tank that I had to keep going back and forth from their house to mine to keep refilling it. This way, I can just do the project with NO interruptions having to do with air! I've decided that I LOVE reupholstering things and so it's something I just need in life:) Then Clay got me a few things. First, I asked him to copy a print I saw online...and I'll just have to wait and show you after I take a pic- but it is AWESOME! I love it so much. Then he got me two cd's. Weezer's "Raditude"- which, is basically awesome. And Black Eye'd Peas, "The End". You should see me, or rather-hear me, when I'm driving and listening to Black Eye'd Peas. Seriously? You know those teenagers that pass by you in their car and you hear the loud BOOM...BOOOM....BOOOM....and you turn to your mom, or if your a mom you turn to your kid, and roll your eyes or shake your head...yeah. Well, that booming car is me. And I love it. I've gotta say- our car has a pretty nice bass to it, and when you listen to Boom Boom Pow (it's the name of one of their songs) it booms a lot. And I ROCK OUT to it. It's great. Don't get me wrong, I crank it with Weezer too- but it's really just two completely different experiences.
Anyway, he also gave me some play money too- which is meant to be spent at Home Fabrics. Which I plan on doing. SAWEET!
My work took me to Pita Pit for lunch (my fav), Clay's parents took us to Original Thai 2 (also a favorite) and then our friends met us at the local cheap seats to see "Dear John". It was aight. That's really all. Then yesterday Rebecca took me to Babe's bakery for lunch. It was delish. She offered to buy me a loaf of bread since I wasn't eating a treat. hahahahha. I told her, "its okay. but thanks!" I must say, it was pretty weird not having cake for my b-day.
I've definitely decided that I'm still holding out on treats until I've done it for 6 months. Meaning, July 1st, I will have a treat. I thought about planning it all out, what I would have that day...but I decided that I'll just make whatever sounds good that day.
Tomorrow is General Conference. Thank goodness. I am in desperate need of motivation in life. Hopefully this will do the trick. I know it will, as long as I honestly pay attention and try to gain knowledge. My poor husband has been on the receiving end of many mood swings. I don't know what's up but I feel like I've been a big big witch. With a capital B. I don't know. Anyway.
It snowed a lot last night. By the time it was 5:00 today you would've never known. All gone. I'm so sick of snow. I try and remember that it's a creation from God....you know. To help me love it. It just doesn't work. I think when I get in heaven I'm going to ask Heavenly Father if people really were meant to settle in Idaho. I'm not positive they were. I don't know. I just know that it's a trial in my life...who knows how long I'll be working on it.
People like to keep these things quiet, but I'm just gonna say it. I want a baby...so...freaking...bad. And they are everywhere I turn. I don't think we have any friends that we live by that don't have a baby. So it kinda feels like I'm the only person in the universe that's not a mom (which I know is not true so please refrain from the comments like, "oh there's so many people that don't have babies it just seems like it. I'm exaggerating....k?). Then it's like...if the babies are sleeping, we are talking about the babies...and then there's the fact that I don't really feel like I fit in as much as other people because I don't have a baby. It's like- all these people connect and share a bond that I just don't fit into. And conversations turn towards each other and then moms hang out with each other and I'm just here in limbo with like...no connections. All I have to talk about is sewing projects and...my dog. And then when I'm not around my friends, I'm thinking about or talking to my siblings who have kids or babies or about to have babies. I just know that women were meant to be moms. Because there comes a point, where you just need a baby. I know I'm only 22 years old...but I've almost been married 4 years. Which still probably sounds so soon to some people, but really- I don't care. I just know that my whole reason for existing in life is to be a mom. I know that for a fact. Which I think is why I've been so crummy lately because I keep feeling like my life is ridiculous. I'm an accountant. Woohoo. What a freaking exciting life. Not really. Blah. And I know being a mom isn't all glamorous so don't give me that soapbox either. Sorry.
Well, I am trying to sell my digital piano so I can buy a real one (a used old one of course). I hope it happens. There's lots on Craigslist for good prices...sooooo I'm just really hoping it happens.
Well- believe it or not- I totally started writing this thinking it'd be a good blog but it turned out depressing. I'm considering deleting everything...................but................you know what? I honestly like reading about people's problems because they make mine seem normal...or they make me feel like- oh, they aren't perfect (not that anyone thinks I'm perfect), or I can connect, or something. You know? Anyway-----hopefully I didn't depress anyone.
I really do know that I have a really good life. And I have so much to be grateful for. Sometimes I just feel crappy I guess. Love you guys.
14 comments:
Happy Birthday! I totally love JoAnns and walking up and down the fabric areas to see them all. Keeping quiet about the baby thing... clearly I can't keep quiet either. I want one BAD too and I am not even married again yet. But being a nanny is helping a little for now, but also making it worse because he is so cute and I know I raised him that I want one for myself. Anyways, feel better, be happy. And I love reading your blog no matter what it says!
Complain away. I still love reading your blogs. I can totally picture you jammin out to the Black Eyed Peas in your car. I have them on my shuffle mix I listen to at the gym. LOVE it. We also had it on our iPod mix for our Halloween party last fall and it was blasting from our house with our windows open. I think their concert would be so fun.
I love how you always comment right away when I post. It makes me feel so good.
Babies....Shad and I waited 5 years before we had Tanner. I was going to school and then working. I remember feeling the SAME way around friends. Everyone had babies and did play dates, hung out during the day and EVERY convo was about babies. It just leads to that. I remember feeling like everyone liked me and we were friends, but like you said, there was that connection that was missing. I'm sorry. I was so grateful when Lillie moved here (after 4 years of that) because she didn't have kids yet. Automatic bond. I remember feeling like my life was pointless. That all I did was work and there was no meaning. I'm sorry. I know I could say a bunch of hopeful things, but I don't think that's what you want to hear, so I'll leave it at that.
Love you so so so much. And I can't WAIT for you to have a baby.
I'm glad you had a great birthday!! I totally hear ya on the baby thing,especially when we first decided we wanted to have a baby that's all Ren and I saw EVERYWHERE. We would be walking in a store and just staring at all of the babies commenting on how cute they are. It's always the worst in church because they are just sitting there right in the bench in front of you being all cute and cuddly :) And I'm sure people are sick of hearing about my dog too - but I say, oh well let them hear all about the dog because that's a kid to people like us who don't have babies yet!
I am totally with you on the baby/mom thing.. I feel the same way, but all I keep telling myself is when the time is right it will happen. Hang in there! Too bad we don't live closer! Sounds like you had a good birthday! Hope you have a good weekend!
Sorry you don't have a baby (though when you mentioned your recent mood swings, it made me wonder . . .) and I think you know that I completely understand what you're going thru. And it's completely ok to feel that way. I totally know what it's like to feel like the only person on the planet without a baby, and then it turns into I'm the only person without 2 or 3 babies. What the heck?! I get it. And I'm sorry. And the whole, "I don't fit in, because I don't have a baby. How am I gonna make friends without a baby? What is a mother gonna wanna do with me?" Completely GET it. I'm sorry. After feeling this way for years it DID fade quite a bit. So, I expect you'll get pregnant or the pain WILL eventually ease. It did with me, anyway. It's ok to be unhappy in your life, sometimes. I have a baby, house and husband's career on the way and I still complain like mad because it's not here NOW. It will be ok.
OH my gosh, the snow thing. I always feel bad for HATING rodents because they're God's creations so I feel like I'm supposed to love and appreciate them. Ew. It just makes me shudder. Why must there be rodents in the world?
Hey Danielle! Sounds like you had a great birthday. So I totally know how you feel and you are so brave to put it on your blog for all to read about. I do tell people sometimes, and maybe I should talk about it more, then maybe it wouldn't be this huge burden that I carry alone and cry about. We have been trying for probably 3 and 1/2 years now. Granted I knew since high school that I might need help getting pregnant but I secretly hoped it would just happen. And you are not imagining babies everywhere. They totally are, and I am happy for those women in my ward that annouce they are pregnant but at the same time I am totally jelouse which I know is bad. Anyway, I always just have to keep telling myself it is in the Lord's hand, that and if I didn't have my patriartichal blessing I would be way more depressed. Well anyway, don't get to done and if you need to talk to someone who is in the same boat you know how to get a hold of me. Miss you tons!
yeah, I know how you feel. that's all I'll say about that. And it's ok to be depressing- nobody has perfect lives, my life is really depressing- haven't you noticed that i either don't blog lately- or if I do it's ONLY about a project I'm working on? Becaue I have nothing good to say. So it's ok to be depressed, and some day it will end. AND- it does make me feel good to read your blog because I feel liek I'm the only one that is sad. So thanks for sharing, but I am sorry you are sad too. you get what i mean right? love you
Your birthday sounded great! I love the air compressor. You can eventually add to your collection and get more tools. I also love the Black Eyed Peas. They can definately get you moving. About the snow, just be thankful you don't live in the midwest or somewhere worse. I am so sorry you are sad and really want a baby. Jeff and I didn't have Gunnar for 6 years. I felt that I had friends but there was always something so different and that was that they had kids and stayed home for the most part. I worked a normal day job, talked about my dogs all the time, just did different things. Thankfully my siblings didn't have kids yet. When I had Gunnar, I could totally see the difference. Kids kind of become your life and you do have relatable experiences with other mothers. However I have noticed that some things are hard to relate too with my siblings because they don't have kids and don't fully understand. It will all happen when it is supposed to. I definately saw that after the fact with Gunnar and now this baby.
Danielle,
I love you. I don't know what else to say. You're welcome to be super aunt any time. I know it's not the same. Especially since none of them are babies, but they love you a ton and would love to spend more time with you. We always have time. Love you.
It's okay to feel crappy and complain. I know ideally we would always be grateful and happy, but reality is we are human and having a human experience which means crappy days and sometimes weeks. I know you don't always feel this way and don't always complain, but I agree, it is good for people to read real life and know they aren't the only one. I think it's cool that you like to redo furniture. I am so glad you had a good b-day or should I say days! You have grown up, your favorite restaurants aren't Olive Garden anymore. And yes you are right we all need babies and want them. It is eternal and a good thing. It is not bad to wish you had a baby and that you are impatient for one, it shows that you are a righteous woman and know why you are here. All a person has to do is listen to Conference to know that the way we learn how to be like Christ and go back to our Father in Heaven is to be a mom. I love and miss you very much!!!
I so understand the baby thing. I can vividly remember the yearning to have a baby and everyone I knew was having them but me. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that you will become a mother as you wish. Take care. love you. bye now.
Thanks for being so honest in your blog. Don't be afraid to share your feelings! No need to hide behind a mask when lots of other people are feeling the same thing (even if you don't know it). And you've inspired me to be a better mom and be more grateful for it everyday. (Sometimes I don't feel so grateful when I change one poopy diaper after another and get spit up on all the time. lol)
Oh and HAPPY (late) BIRTHDAY! Your presents sound awesome. I would LOVE a gift card to JoAnn's...mmmm *dreamy eyes*...Lucky!
Post a Comment